Friday, August 31, 2012

Entertainment Proclamations for when Kate Danley Becomes Queen of the Universe

Here ye!  Here ye!  Below are the Rules by which Entertainment in All Forms will obey when Kate Danley becomes the SUPREME RULER OF THE UNIVERSE!
  • It's a Small World and Pirate of the Caribbean shall be returned to their original states, unaltered by "plusing" at the Disneyland Resort.  I don't care what you do at the other parks.  Have toy carts in the middle of the Haunted Mansion for all I care.  But the innovative works of art at Disneyland which launched an empire shall remain sacred!
  • And on the subject of Pirates, there shall be no other Pirates besides Episode I and Episode IV.  All others shall be considered bad fan fiction and relegated to the locked vault of Cinderella III.
  • Sherlock and Downton Abbey shall air in the states at the same time it airs in the U.K.  Did we win a Revolutionary War for nothing?  I say we give our sovereignty back to England if it means we can get these shows before everyone on Twitter spoils them!
  • Star Wars Episode I, II, and III shall all be rebooted with this man at the helm of story development.
  • Anyone who says that Pierce Brosnan was greater than Daniel Craig as Bond shall be thrown into a dark hole and forced to watch Golden Eye until sanity is restored.
  • All use of smooth R&B and pop reinterpretations of some important song at the end of kids movies shall ceased IMMEDIATELY.  Any pre-existing films with those items shall have such songs removed and replaced with ragtime or New Orleans jazz.
  • BLOGGER SHALL RETURN TO ITS ORIGINAL, USER FRIENDLY INTERFACE! (as Queen Kate tries to remember how to post this post...)

Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner!

Well, it's been 31 glorious days, but Camp Nanowrimo draws to a close at midnight tonight.  I just submitted my novel (and a couple short stories) for verification and I have officially made the 50,000 mark!  WOOOO!

Mind you, the novel is a mess.  It's not complete.  It is a hodgepodge of ideas, half of which will probably get thrown out, but I have 50,000 more words on paper than I did when I started August 1st and that, my friends, is awesome. 

If any of you have a little spark within that says, "Hey! I've got this idea for a book...", mark your calendar now to participate in National Novel Writing Month this November.  I cannot recommend the Nanowrimo experience enough.  It's free.  It connects you with other writers in your area so that it isn't so lonely.  And if you finish?  You, too, can have a beautiful little picture like the one above, which will make you feel warm and fuzzy about what you were able to do with just a little bit of hard work everyday.  Tomorrow might be September, but I just might write some more... just for the fun of it!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Final Weekend

Final Weekend, originally uploaded by eyduck.

After this, there will be ZERO more performances of The Adding Machine...

I would like to thank the Academy

I would like to thank the Academy, originally uploaded by eyduck.

Yes, it is real. No, it is not mine. But the place I work for won it and I made sure to leave greasy fingerprints all over it.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The LA Weekly sings the praises of The Adding Machine

The Adding Machine, originally uploaded by eyduck.

Well, this is a lovely way to wake up!. The LA Weekly gave us a "GO!" (...which to those not in the LA area is a cool thing...)

"GO! This production boasts a solid cast that turns in polished, energetic performances under the crafty direction of Kevin Cochran. Leonard Ogden's toy-box set design, redolent of a continually morphing Lego block, is a hoot." - Lovell Estell III, LA Weekly

But don't take my word for it, go check out the article!  Ready to come see the show?  Head on over to for tickets and use code "elmer" for 1/2 off!  WOO!

The Article Itself

Friday, August 3, 2012

Mercury Retrograde Countdown: T minus Five Days

I left the office, so stoked it was Friday and I had the whole weekend to look forward to when I realized I completely walked away from my desk without emailing myself an important file I was going to work on.  And there is a MASSIVE event around my place of employment this weekend (the street closing warning predicted 100,000 guests), so it's not like I can even drive in and get it...

So, then I stepped into my home after work.  The door opened and I was hit with the odor of locker room and gym socks.

Mold.  My apartment has begun to mold after the flood.

The handy little container I have used to store my birds' food has this great little spout which keeps the seed from spilling over the ground.  I flipped the spout open, as per normal, and cracked off in my hand.  Not the hinges, like one would expect.  The center of the plastic spout.  Cracked right down the middle and came apart in pieces in my hand.  The delicate hinges are just fine.  It's the thick, sturdy plastic that decided to give up the ghost.

Then I came back from the show and turned on the kitchen light.  Click.  Click.  Click.


There are two differently aged florescent light bulbs in the fixture so I know it isn't the bulb.  It wasn't a breaker.  I flipped all the switches in my fuse box.

Hey!  Maybe the guy who fixed my faucet so good can come and fix my electrical system!  We can just burn this place down and start new.

Five more days till retrograde ends... five more...

EDITED TO ADD:  Little Debbie makes a really great blueberry creme roll, in case you get a hankering for some binge eating.

CHRISTMAS IN JULY! (...or August...)

And then just when you start bracing for the next Mercurial disaster, your mom shows up with a box full of unicorns.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Mercury Retrograde Tally - August 2nd Edition

  • The rubber came off of the bottom of my expensive Clark heels, destroying a really nice pair of shoes.
  • The repair guy screwed up the kitchen faucet.  Again.  He evidently attached it to a geyser, because it's either off or ON.
  • Some default got triggered when I used GPS yesterday and now my phone is sending love notes to satellites about how pretty they look amongst the stars.  Like a kid draining its parents' bank account with too many texts to its friends, I'm watching my battery sucked dry in a matter of two hours and have no idea how to stop it.
  • Oh, and my phone decided to stop ringing.  It's getting calls.  It's getting texts.  It says it should be ringing.  But I guess it got mad about me yelling at it about the satellites and now it isn't speaking to me.  It is just sitting in its room with its headphones on listening to Blind Melon.
  • My phone can't even handle loading Google.  I ask TOO. MUCH.  Uhgh.  I can almost hear it rolling its virtual eyes at me.  TOO MUCH.
  • And then I pressed some button and now my phone only speaks to me in French.

What's Everyone Talking About?

We just got our first review and the critics like us!  They really like us!

"Heading the cast is David Allen Jones' outstanding performance as the long suffering Mr. Zero...The show's design is a wonder. Leonard Ogden's constantly unfolding set is in itself worth the price of admission...The remainder of Cochran's cast brings to life a bizarre collection of personages [in] this fine rendition of Rice's emotionally charged story...It's uncanny how timely Elmer Rice's script remains despite having originally premiered in 1923.  Director Kevin Cochran and a multifaceted cast of eight keep this extended one-act clicking like a well-oiled version of the play's title." -Arts in LA

Wanna come check it out? All tickets this weekend are only $10! Use code "zero" online or mention it at the door.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

In which August 8th is starting to look really good

Listen, I don't cotton much for that whole "we are controlled by the stars" nonsense.  But every now and again, a girl has to just step back and go, "I guess so."

To recap for those not following your daily horoscope in Marie Claire, Mercury Retrograde started July 15th.  According to all the fancy websites, this means a time when all your shit is gonna break.  Spectacularly.  All those projects you're moving forward on?  Trashed.  Those efforts you're making?  Laughable.

Mercury will make you its bitch.

For me, this started with a six inch piece of metal impaling itself into my tire as I was going down the freeway at 65 mph.  Fair enough.  Ha ha!  Metal!  Ha ha!  It could just be a coincidence.

Except a week later, the battery on my car started leaking acid.

And then,  I sat in my living room at my desk and looked up at the ceiling.  There was a line of black specks all the way around the corner seam.  To myself, I thought, "OH crap.  I've got mold.  There must've been a leak in the apartment above."

And then went, "Wait."

The black specks were moving.

Spiders.  HUNDREDS of baby spiders.  And they were all IN my apartment.

A helpful hint from my mom is that Lysol Bathroom Cleaner dissolves spiders.  On contact.  And I rejoiced at every trigger pull.  SCIENCE!

But then I read online that spiders don't like walking through orange oil or vinegar, so I decided to spray around my windows and doors to raise the walls of my fortress and let them know who owned which corners around Chez Danley.

So I'm spraying, and you know that little metal strip at the base of your door?  You know, to keep the wind out?  You know how it is sort of open on the sides?


Red hourglass on the abdomen and everything.  I had a moment before I doused it in bathroom cleaner and then smooshed it with my shoe that it was really quite beautiful.  And even more beautiful dead.

And then had the realization that this is the only spider I have actually seen IN my apartment.  And all the spiderlings were black.

And THAT's when I started pulling up listings on Craigslist for new homes.

Which were all rented out in my price range because it is MERCURY RETROGRADE AND YOU AIN'T GETTIN' NUTHING DONE DURING MERCURY RETROGRADE.

It seems I hadn't learned my lesson, though, because I decided that, screw it, if I was going to have to live in a spider infested hellhole with noisy new neighbors who now share a bedroom wall with me and pay the extra $50 a month in rent that my landlord decided to levy upon me, I was getting some shit fixed.

Mainly, a leaky faucet in my bathroom and kitchen.

So, I come into my apartment Monday and hear water running.  I call for the handyman, but no one replies.  And then I look in my kitchen.

The floor is covered in water.  There is water EVERYWHERE.  Water is spurting out from the newly replaced shut off valve and has been for five hours.

I keep breathing.  I keep breathing.  I call the landlady, who thinks I'm only phoning because I've spotted water seeping through the roof of the garage.  No, I was calling to say that the water is coming FROM MY APARTMENT.  Through the floor.  And into the roof of the garage.

So the handyman comes back.  And "fixes it".

Except now the cold water comes out of the hot water and the hot water comes out of the cold water.  And after an hour, suddenly all the water goes away and I've got no water in the kitchen.

After reporting this to the landlady, he's supposed to come back the next day.  I get up in the morning, my kitchen smelling like formaldehyde from the soggy pressed wood cabinets.  I keep the doors open to try and get things not to mold.  I hear a drip-drip-drip coming from inside the cabinet, but figure the guy is going to be here any moment to fix my pipes.  He'll figure it out.  And I gotta get to work.

Only to come back ten hours later and NOTHING has been fixed.  They had called my home phone in the middle of the day to make sure the water was still broken and to give them a call before they called in the repair man.

And the drip-drip-drip is still dripping and there is standing water in my cabinets.

And I have to wash my dinner dishes in the bathtub.

And watch the orange dye from my kitchen rug stain the inside of my sink as the two day old water slowly seeps from the fibers.

And I think, Mercury Retrograde?  And indeed.  It is.

All of this has happened in the past two weeks.  Since July 15th.

We just have to make it to August 8th, my friends.  August 8th... and it cannot happen soon enough.