Listen, I don't cotton much for that whole "we are controlled by the stars" nonsense. But every now and again, a girl has to just step back and go, "I guess so."
To recap for those not following your daily horoscope in Marie Claire, Mercury Retrograde started July 15th. According to all the fancy websites, this means a time when all your shit is gonna break. Spectacularly. All those projects you're moving forward on? Trashed. Those efforts you're making? Laughable.
Mercury will make you its bitch.
For me, this started with a six inch piece of metal impaling itself into my tire as I was going down the freeway at 65 mph. Fair enough. Ha ha! Metal! Ha ha! It could just be a coincidence.
Except a week later, the battery on my car started leaking acid.
And then, I sat in my living room at my desk and looked up at the ceiling. There was a line of black specks all the way around the corner seam. To myself, I thought, "OH crap. I've got mold. There must've been a leak in the apartment above."
And then went, "Wait."
The black specks were moving.
Spiders. HUNDREDS of baby spiders. And they were all IN my apartment.
A helpful hint from my mom is that Lysol Bathroom Cleaner dissolves spiders. On contact. And I rejoiced at every trigger pull. SCIENCE!
But then I read online that spiders don't like walking through orange oil or vinegar, so I decided to spray around my windows and doors to raise the walls of my fortress and let them know who owned which corners around Chez Danley.
So I'm spraying, and you know that little metal strip at the base of your door? You know, to keep the wind out? You know how it is sort of open on the sides?
Out came a BLACK. FUCKING. WIDOW.
Red hourglass on the abdomen and everything. I had a moment before I doused it in bathroom cleaner and then smooshed it with my shoe that it was really quite beautiful. And even more beautiful dead.
And then had the realization that this is the only spider I have actually seen IN my apartment. And all the spiderlings were black.
And THAT's when I started pulling up listings on Craigslist for new homes.
Which were all rented out in my price range because it is MERCURY RETROGRADE AND YOU AIN'T GETTIN' NUTHING DONE DURING MERCURY RETROGRADE.
It seems I hadn't learned my lesson, though, because I decided that, screw it, if I was going to have to live in a spider infested hellhole with noisy new neighbors who now share a bedroom wall with me and pay the extra $50 a month in rent that my landlord decided to levy upon me, I was getting some shit fixed.
Mainly, a leaky faucet in my bathroom and kitchen.
So, I come into my apartment Monday and hear water running. I call for the handyman, but no one replies. And then I look in my kitchen.
The floor is covered in water. There is water EVERYWHERE. Water is spurting out from the newly replaced shut off valve and has been for five hours.
I keep breathing. I keep breathing. I call the landlady, who thinks I'm only phoning because I've spotted water seeping through the roof of the garage. No, I was calling to say that the water is coming FROM MY APARTMENT. Through the floor. And into the roof of the garage.
So the handyman comes back. And "fixes it".
Except now the cold water comes out of the hot water and the hot water comes out of the cold water. And after an hour, suddenly all the water goes away and I've got no water in the kitchen.
After reporting this to the landlady, he's supposed to come back the next day. I get up in the morning, my kitchen smelling like formaldehyde from the soggy pressed wood cabinets. I keep the doors open to try and get things not to mold. I hear a drip-drip-drip coming from inside the cabinet, but figure the guy is going to be here any moment to fix my pipes. He'll figure it out. And I gotta get to work.
Only to come back ten hours later and NOTHING has been fixed. They had called my home phone in the middle of the day to make sure the water was still broken and to give them a call before they called in the repair man.
And the drip-drip-drip is still dripping and there is standing water in my cabinets.
And I have to wash my dinner dishes in the bathtub.
And watch the orange dye from my kitchen rug stain the inside of my sink as the two day old water slowly seeps from the fibers.
And I think, Mercury Retrograde? And indeed. It is.
All of this has happened in the past two weeks. Since July 15th.
We just have to make it to August 8th, my friends. August 8th... and it cannot happen soon enough.